Q: I am a very fit woman (aerobics teacher) with an unfit, over-weight 12 year old son. I can't understand why he doesn’t choose a healthier lifestyle since he is constantly exposed to healthy examples. He doesn’t seem to care that he’s well … fat, but I do! I’m actually embarrassed by his appearance. What can I do to influence him to exercise, eat smarter, and to take a greater interest in his appearance?
A: This is such a sensitive issue, since your son's defiance might be his rebellion against your lifestyle. I imagine it is difficult for your son, who is experiencing the many challenges and changes of a pubescent body, to measure himself against your super fit body. He probably feels like a visual failure in your eyes, which could cause him to rebel against your choices and habits, deliberately rejecting your healthy lifestyle; while emotionally eating to numb out his low self-esteem.
I think you should try backing off, don't show or tell your disappointment or disgust about his choices or his appearance. In fact it might work in your favor and his if you could act unaffected when he eats poorly or chooses not to exercise. Instead, give him the impression that you’ve decided to trust his choices without judgement. If he could feel your compassion and support, he might not feel as motivated to be the opposite of you or to eat in private in order to numb out.
It would also be beneficial to find a healthy male mentor for your son, one who could influence him to be active and eat consciously, but who could do so in a cool way that would be appealing and non-parental.
Also, authentically compliment your son on things he does well that have nothing to do with his appearance, i.e., his kindness, out-going personality, clean room, homework success, sense of humor, etc. This will enhance his self-worth, giving him a feeling of personal accomplishment beyond his appearance.
The other thing to remember is that a young body changes radically between the ages of 12 and 20. Do your best to keep up a healthy kitchen, i.e., no soda (diet or otherwise) or sugary fruit drinks, Velveeta cheese or Pop-Tarts, but what about a smart, "kid friendly" candy drawer ... Strike a balance between your knowledge as a fit adult and his younger wants and desires. I'm a firm believer in taking away the toxic stuff, while offering a little splurge, like low fat granola bars, gummy bears or fruit leather, which perfectly honors the idea of naughty and nice.
It would also be beneficial to add weekly exercise into his schedule that doesn't feel like punishment. Suggestions include: an evening walk with flashlights after dinner, a weekly bike ride with a designated mileage plan, investing in a basketball hoop, adding a beloved dog to your family that your son agree's to walk and signs an agreement to that effect.
Be creative, not critical.
It would also be beneficial to add weekly exercise into his schedule that doesn't feel like punishment. Suggestions include: an evening walk with flashlights after dinner, a weekly bike ride with a designated mileage plan, investing in a basketball hoop, adding a beloved dog to your family that your son agree's to walk and signs an agreement to that effect.
Be creative, not critical.
