Q: My ex husband recently married a woman who I feel totally threatened by. I never considered myself the insecure type until ‘she’ entered the picture. My three children spend time in both households and they’re always telling me stories about how great she is. I’m actually thinner than she, so I know this isn’t a body issue, however I’m certain it’s a self-esteem issue. Help!
A: This is a problem that many women face today as the birth rate continues to soar as fast and furiously as the divorce rate. It’s hard enough to dissolve a marriage, not to mention the stress of putting children through the many challenging stages of their birth parents splitting up. But to add a third party into the mix, one who is the same sex as you and who is successfully married to the man that you couldn’t stay married to, while happily raising your children, is a lot to endure.
Although I empathize with your situation, my goal is to help you reclaim your personal power while hoping to teach you how not to become the perpetual victim. If you are like other women in this situation who suffer from low self esteem, you are probably playing manipulative games with your children in an effort to secure the #1 position in their hearts. This is not a good idea and if you are doing this, you should stop immediately.
Children deserve the freedom of loving all of their parents (including steps) with as much or as little abundance as they choose (notice I said they not you). And in a healthy situation, you would want your children to love all of their parents equally, after all that’s a great situation for the child. It’s always helpful to view the situation from a ‘what would the children honestly benefit from’ point of view. And really, why be threatened; you already have an important position in your children’s lives. It is highly likely that they will have a similar attachment to their stepmother as they do to you, their birth mother. So what. In other words, the children have two mothers and you get to be one of them…a blessing in your life. Stop leading your life from a place of fear and anxiety. That is the life of a victim. Victims do not live happy, fulfilling lives!
Here’s the real deal:
Your marriage with your ex didn’t work out for better or worse, yet you were given the gift of children through that relationship. Focus on the fact that you were blessed to be given this opportunity and try to make decisions about what’s best for the children from a place of empowerment, not from a revengeful point of view.
Begin a self-esteem makeover plan where your main objective is to make yourself more interesting to you. Get involved in new creative outlets, like a non-competitive movement class, a walking club, a cooking class, an art class, volunteer work, the list is infinite… or learn how to meditate and devote five minutes a day to this sacred ritual.
Because you are aware of your condition – low self esteem – you are half way there. Now you must develop rituals that enhance your personal development and self-discipline. My book, Feel Good Naked, will provide you with 10 simple steps that you can begin incorporating into your life immediately. The rewards you will get from living this type of life make the work required to getting there completely worthwhile. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Although I empathize with your situation, my goal is to help you reclaim your personal power while hoping to teach you how not to become the perpetual victim. If you are like other women in this situation who suffer from low self esteem, you are probably playing manipulative games with your children in an effort to secure the #1 position in their hearts. This is not a good idea and if you are doing this, you should stop immediately.
Children deserve the freedom of loving all of their parents (including steps) with as much or as little abundance as they choose (notice I said they not you). And in a healthy situation, you would want your children to love all of their parents equally, after all that’s a great situation for the child. It’s always helpful to view the situation from a ‘what would the children honestly benefit from’ point of view. And really, why be threatened; you already have an important position in your children’s lives. It is highly likely that they will have a similar attachment to their stepmother as they do to you, their birth mother. So what. In other words, the children have two mothers and you get to be one of them…a blessing in your life. Stop leading your life from a place of fear and anxiety. That is the life of a victim. Victims do not live happy, fulfilling lives!
Here’s the real deal:
Your marriage with your ex didn’t work out for better or worse, yet you were given the gift of children through that relationship. Focus on the fact that you were blessed to be given this opportunity and try to make decisions about what’s best for the children from a place of empowerment, not from a revengeful point of view.
Begin a self-esteem makeover plan where your main objective is to make yourself more interesting to you. Get involved in new creative outlets, like a non-competitive movement class, a walking club, a cooking class, an art class, volunteer work, the list is infinite… or learn how to meditate and devote five minutes a day to this sacred ritual.
Because you are aware of your condition – low self esteem – you are half way there. Now you must develop rituals that enhance your personal development and self-discipline. My book, Feel Good Naked, will provide you with 10 simple steps that you can begin incorporating into your life immediately. The rewards you will get from living this type of life make the work required to getting there completely worthwhile. Good luck and please keep me posted.
