Q: I am a woman in her mid life (45 years old), I have three children and I’m a stay at home mom. My problem is that I feel so old and unattractive. When my husband returns home from work each day I feel utterly exhausted, incapable of even the simplest conversations. I have very little interest in sex and I fear that my ‘joy of life’ is slowly evaporating. How can I get my energy up and have more fun?
A: Being a stay at home mom can be quite challenging and debilitating at times, especially when your children are your main source of communication and stimulation. Start a weekly meeting with other stay at home mom’s and their children that includes getting together for group activities. Similar to an investment group or a book club, your group meets once a week and each week a different mother plans the activity for the group. This allows you the opportunity to get together with other adults and children. I am always amazed how six children can be easier to manage than two, since the more children there are, the more creative and self-motivated children tend to be. As well, you would then have the opportunity to converse with other mothers about fulltime mom burn out.
One of the hardest parts about being a fulltime mother is that the job doesn’t include a dead line or an end. As a result, you must take mini breaks from the job each and every week. In order to do this, ask a relative or a neighbor to help you out so that you can take a breather from the job…grocery shopping does not count as a break. A break means scheduling selfish time for just you and no one else.
It is helpful to schedule these breaks at least three times per week with a minimum of three hours per break. Think of these breaks as time to restore your mental and physical well being. Allow this time to include exercise, meditation, silence and solitude. It is amazing how these personal time outs can restore sanity while ultimately fueling your energy for your marriage and your roll as a mother.
Most important is not to feel guilty that your sexual desire has all but evaporated, of course it has. When you take care of children all day, the last thing you feel like doing at the end of the day is giving out even more of yourself. Hopefully if you schedule personal time each and every week, your libido and energy for life will return. And since it can be politically incorrect to language the horrific obstacles of parenting, allow me to say that parenting is a tough job with a relentless cycle of demands and tasks that offer little pleasure when you’re doing it alone each and everyday. Take stock in the fact that in order to be a good mother you must refuel your own engine, which deserves and needs the care that you readily offer your children. Mother yourself for at least 10 hours per week and let me know if this adds energy and joy back into your life.
