1/31/14
When you have moved past the apprehension associated with expressing your distressing feelings out loud, you may be surprised to discover that you feel liberated and lightened. This is because the act of making a clear connection between your circumstances and your feelings unravels the mystery that previously kept you from being in complete control of your emotional state. To give voice to your feelings, you must necessarily let them go. In the process, you naturally relax and rediscover your emotional equilibrium.
~ Madisyn Taylor
1/27/14
f a i t h ~ my 2014 word:
Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.
~ Mahatma Gandhi
questions ARE gifts:
"When I was a mama of three very tiny, very messy, very beautiful rug rats, we had DAYS THAT WENT ON FOR LIFETIMES. Craig left at 6:00 a.m. every morning and as I watched his showered, ironed self leave the house I felt incredibly blessed and thrilled to have so much time alone with my babies and incredibly terrified and bitter to have so much time alone with my babies. If you don't believe that all of those feelings can exist at once -- well, you've never been a parent to many tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats.
When Craig returned each day at 6:00 p.m. (he actually returned at 5:50 but took a stunningly long time to get the mail), he'd walk through the door, smile and say -- "So! How was your day?"
This question was like a spotlight pointed directly at the chasm between his experience of a "DAY" and my experience of a "DAY." How was my day?
The question would linger in the air for a moment while I stared at Craig and the baby shoved her hand in my mouth like they do -- while the oldest screamed MOMMY I NEED HELP POOING from the bathroom and the middle one cried in the corner because I NEVER EVER EVER let her drink the dishwasher detergent. NOT EVER EVEN ONCE, MOMMY!!! And I'd look down at my spaghetti-stained pajama top, unwashed hair, and gorgeous baby on my hip -- and my eyes would wander around the room, pausing to notice the toys peppering the floor and the kids' stunning new art on the fridge...
And I'd want to say:
How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was CERTAIN I'd explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated -- just BOMBARDED with touch and then the second I put down this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today and then, just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption. Husband -- when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats your day is ALL OF THE THINGS and NONE OF THE THINGS, sometimes within the same three minute period. But I'm not complaining. This is not a complaint, so don't try to FIX IT. I wouldn't have my day Any.Other.Way. I'm just saying -- it's a hell of a hard thing to explain -- an entire day with lots of babies.
But I'd be too tired to say all of that. So I'd just cry, or yell, or smile and say "fine," and then hand the baby over and run to Target to wander aisles aimlessly, because that's all I ever really wanted. But I'd be a little sad because love is about really being seen and known and I wasn't being seen or known then. Everything was really hard to explain. It made me lonely.
So we went went to therapy, like we do.
Through therapy, we learned to ask each other better questions. We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.
So Craig and I don't ask "How was your day?" anymore. After a few years of practicing increasingly intimate question asking, now we find ourselves asking each other questions like these:
When did you feel loved today?
When did you feel lonely?
What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
What can I do to help you right now?
I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.
And so now when our kids get home from school, we don't say: "How was your day?" Because they don't know. Their day was lots of things.
Instead we ask:
How did you feel during your spelling test?
What did you say to the new girl when you all went out to recess?
Did you feel lonely at all today?
Were there any times you felt proud of yourself today?
And I never ask my friends: "How are you?" Because they don't know either.
Instead I ask:
How is your mom's chemo going?
How'd that conference with Ben's teacher turn out?
What's going really well with work right now?
Questions are like gifts -- it's the thought behind them that the receiver really FEELS. We have to know the receiver to give the right gift and to ask the right question. Generic gifts and questions are all right, but personal gifts and questions feel better. Love is specific, I think. It's an art. The more attention and time you give to your questions, the more beautiful the answers become.
Life is a conversation. Make it a good one."
~ Glennon Melton
1/25/14
"Today’s snag in the plans or today’s major misfortune will be seen for what it is later – Grace. So instead of waiting for later to see this as Grace, step into the understanding and mindset that what is happening – even though it wasn’t planned and it might seem scary – is awesome Grace from The Uni-verse. Let go of the need to know how things END and enjoy the ride. ‘Cuz when life ends, it’s over!"
~ Mastin Kipp
1/24/14
1/23/14
1/22/14
who is joyce sutphen:
Joyce Sutphen grew up on a farm in Minnesota. She earned a PhD in
Renaissance drama from the University of Minnesota, and has taught
British literature and creative writing at Gustavus Adolphus College in
Saint Peter, Minnesota. Her first collection of poems, Straight Out of View (1995), won the Barnard Women’s Poets Prize. Subsequent collections include Coming Back to the Body (2000), a Minnesota Book Award finalist, Naming the Stars (2004), winner of the Minnesota Book Award, and First Words (2010). She
has received a McKnight Artist Fellowship and a Minnesota State Arts
Board Fellowship and was named Minnesota's Poet Laureate in 2011.
These Few Precepts
I said to her, don't leave your life
scattered in boxes across the country,
don't slip away without tying down
the hatch, don't walk a mile out of
your way to avoid a crack, don't
worry about breaking your mother's
back. I'm sorry, I said that I was
stupid when I married; I'm sorry I
chose for right instead of love, for
truth instead of beauty. They aren't
always the same thing you know,
despite what Keats said. Don't try
to do it all alone, and if you fail,
think of how well you've failed
and how all you really need is a good
view of the sky or a bit of something
- a flower petal or speckled stone -
Held close enough for the eye to
drink it in, and remember, I said,
I'll always love you, no matter what.
Homesteading
Long ago, I settled on this piece of mind,
clearing a spot for memory, making a
road so that the future could come and go,
building a house of possibility.
I came across the prairie with only
my wagonload of words, fragile stories
packed in sawdust. I had to learn how
to press a thought like seed into the ground;
I had to learn to speak with a hammer,
how to hit the nail straight on. When
I took up the reins behind the plow,
I felt the land, threading through me,
stitching me into place.
1/20/14
Sooner or later all the people of the world will have to discover a way to live together in peace, and thereby transform this pending cosmic elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. If this is to be achieved, man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.
~ Martin Luther King
1/19/14
till whatever do us part ~ marriage and divorce in america:
Has America become too blasé about divorce?
Rachael Combe considers the meaning of a lifetime commitment in an age
when instant gratification trumps endurance:According to Wharton economist Betsey Stevenson, the Gores aren't an anomaly. Just as the boomers were responsible for the highest divorce rate in history—22.8 per 1,000 married couples in 1979 (by comparison, the 2008 rate was 3.5 per 1,000)—they now appear to be creating a wave of "gray divorce," with nearly a third of divorces, according to the most recent census, among people who'd been married 20 to 40 years. Stevenson called them "the greatest divorcing generation in U.S. history" in The New York Times. She has pointed out that many reasons for these breakups are positive: Gender roles changed dramatically during this group's adulthood, stoking more conflict in their marriages but also more equality; people are living longer, healthier lives, making starting over seem more doable and attractive; and since the boomers married younger than my generation, they achieved key milestones earlier. (When I graduated from college, my mother was 44; when my eldest does the same, I'll be 56.) In an interview with NPR, Stevenson said that she thinks we need to reassess what success means, and look at the divorce rate not as a failure of marriage, but as "a celebration of life."
You know what I think of that? Bullshit. The Gores' marriage failed. Stevenson is using the same reasoning Brad Pitt used in GQ to reframe his divorce from Jennifer Aniston as a "beautiful" example of the "messiness of life." "The idea that marriage has to be for all time," he said, "that I don't understand." In fact, that is the essence of marriage—a lifetime commitment. Without that, it's just legally sanctioned dating.
"You are articulating a very strong ideal," says William J. Doherty, PhD, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota who often criticizes our culture as too quick to divorce. "For me, it goes back to a promise made. It's about integrity. What's the meaning of the promise if you don't bend heaven and earth to keep it?" Doherty, who is also a couples therapist, says marriage isn't about what you're feeling for each other on any given day, because on many days love isn't even on the top 10 list. "You can't have a feelings-based marriage," he says. "I call it a consumer marriage, where you're saying, `As long as my spouse is meeting my needs, then I stay. But if the costs go up and the rewards down, I bolt. And if a better alternative comes along, I'm gone.' So there's always a threat to the marriage and couples are always asking, `How happy is this making me?' " In surveys where divorced people are asked why they split, Doherty says "soft reasons" are rising. He defines soft reasons as "that loving feeling isn't there; the sex isn't good; we see life so differently; we argue but never get anywhere." Hard reasons include physical abuse, chronic infidelity, drug or gambling addiction, and the sort of major lying that amounts to conning your spouse. Doherty says no one should divorce over soft reasons. With hard ones, if the spouse can't or won't change, "then the way I see it, people can behave so badly that they lose their claim on your commitment to them." Doherty's bright lines appeal to me, but when I talked them over with a friend who's written a book on marriage, she accused me of being puritanical. But I actually think my belief system is more accepting of human nature. I'm not saying that all divorces are wrong, or that a marriage can't be so unrelentingly ugly that divorce isn't the right and righteous choice. I'm saying that much of what we accept as grounds for divorce is, in truth, forgivable—including many of Doherty's "hard reasons." I know couples who've overcome compulsive gambling, addiction, and infidelity and are all the richer for it. Isn't it more puritanical for there to be so many acts over which you could punish or abandon your spouse (forget gambling away the college fund—many of us think being boring in bed for an extended period is a divorceable offense) and so few for which you might forgive him? And isn't it more rigid to have a long list of things that can demolish your trust in or love for your partner?
Michael Vincent Miller, PhD, a couples therapist and the author of Intimate Terrorism, says it is just this act—of facing a crisis and finding a way to move on—that defines the beginning of true marriage, so different in quality from what came before it that he calls it a second marriage. "I think of the first marriage as a dress rehearsal for the real thing," he says. "And then the ideal would be two people maintaining enough empathy for each other's differences so that the second marriage could be between the same two people but on new grounds of being wiser, more able to tolerate disappointment, and without the expectation that marriage is salvation from all of the defects of the past." The payoff of marriage, Miller says, is not romantic ecstasy but maturity. "Our education for intimacy is pretty lousy," he says. "We have this romantic myth of two people coming together, and there's great abundance, and both people's needs are easily met. You notice that the great lovers of fiction get killed off by the age of 14. The authors don't know what to do with them after that. The romantic myth doesn't support long-term intimacy." But if you choose to make your marriage work, "there's no other arena I can think of that can create the same kind of growth." Miller continues, "Everything that's unfinished business from your family and early development, marriage throws it in your face dramatically. It's the big opportunity, if two people can team up, to finally grow up."
When I was in grade school, my parents had a pitched marital crisis, with operatic fighting and long separations that were devastating to me and made a deep impression. In the end, though, my mother and father reconciled and still have an obviously alive, engaged—though not always deliriously happy—marriage. This has also made a deep impression. I've often been grateful that I learned at eight what many don't know at 48: that even those you love most dearly and depend on most completely are profoundly flawed; that even someone who loves you to the fullest extent of their capacity can hurt and disappoint you more than you imagined possible; that the feelings that lead to divorce aren't necessarily permanent; and that marriage is hard but the rewards of sticking it out can be greater than the trials.
That marriage is tough isn't a new idea. Everyone's heard the 50 percent divorce statistic. And yet on our wedding days, say Doherty and Miller, most of us think we'll be the exception, the ones to live happily ever after. But I wonder if happy is even the point. I sat in on a seminar not long ago for parents of troubled teens. The therapist leading it talked about how current parenting styles don't create resilient children. "Parents worry so much about whether their child is happy," she said. "If you take home one message, I want it to be this: Fuck happy."
Yes! I thought, Fuck happy. The point of living isn't to be in a perpetual state of fairy-tale ecstasy; it's to find the meaning of life, the meaning of your life. And the point of marriage, I think, is to create meaning, with every happy and sad memory, every hardship overcome, every kind act, every moment of acceptance, every triumph (Gore will likely never get to have another wife watch him win a Nobel Prize), every child, grandchild, pet, and friend you accumulate together. The point of staying married until you die is to have a witness to your whole life, to the meaning you built. In the end, you can look at your spouse and say: Somebody knew me—and I knew them. Which isn't to suggest you need to marry to have this kind of intimacy, but if you do marry and stay alive to that marriage (it's possible to live your whole life with someone and never summon up the humanity to get to know them), you will get that reward.
My grandmother died last winter, parting from her devoted husband—actually, her second husband. My grandfather tells of walking into a nightclub where she was performing and feeling love at first sight. He took a rose to her onstage (she was annoyed that he interrupted her act). Neither of them was perfect, they never had much money, and they shared much heartbreak, but they also shared what I'd call true love. The night my grandmother died, several of her eight children were at the nursing home that she and my grandfather had moved into when her care proved too much for him. The hospice nurses had withdrawn food and water days earlier, but she clung on into the night as her kids and husband kept vigil. My grandfather, in the bed next to her, finally fell asleep. My mother and her brothers went into the hall to call their families to tell them not to wait up. But while they were making the calls, she died, her husband of 61 years the only one there with her. And though my grandmother's mind at the end of her life was not what it once had been, I do think that it must've been a comfort to know my grandfather was near, to have the visible, physical bulk of his body still there after all those years, to remind her of the ways her life added up to this final moment, and if there was nothing else, at least she'd mattered to him. While my grandfather may have experienced love at first sight, Miller says, paraphrasing critic Walter Benjamin, that she knew love at last sight. I hope my husband and I will be lucky, patient, empathetic, resilient, and forgiving enough that one day, we will experience the same.
what are the four agreements:
1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your words in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of endless suffering.
3. Don't make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.
1/17/14
I don't see myself as beautiful. I was a kid who was freckle-faced, and they used to call me 'hay head.'
~ Robert Redford
It's
hard to pay attention these days because of multiple affects of the
information technology nowadays. You tend to develop a faster, speedier
mind, but I don't think it's necessarily broader or smarter.
I don't see myself as beautiful. I was a kid who was freckle-faced, and they used to call me 'hay head.'
I don't see myself as beautiful. I was a kid who was freckle-faced, and they used to call me 'hay head.'
1/15/14
what are you really hungry for:
Reclaim Your Body
How is your relationship with your body really going?
Do you love the skin you're in (no matter what the scale says) or do you constantly fret about extra weight?
Do you feel alive in your body or numb from the neck down?
Do you feel good naked or are you displeased with your appearance, even with clothes on?
Do you enjoy eating food or do you feel tortured by it?
Do you feel joyful when your body moves or are you too stressed out to feel happy?
These are some of the Mind-Body paradigms we will be discussing in an intimate setting by the Willamette river.
I will be presenting an exciting new approach to healing that focuses on your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual hungers.
You will learn my three Mind-Body prescriptions for healing the body/healing the pain, rewiring the brain and awakening the soul.
Please join me for an afternoon of radical self-acceptance!
Saturday, February 1, 2014
1:00 - 4:00 pm
$50
Special offer:
11:30 - 12:30
Stretch Appeal Soft
1:00 - 4:00 pm workshop
$60
Reservation only ~ Space is limited
“Working with Laure privately has changed my life completely. I’ve been able to transform years of body hatred and perceived limitations into a relationship with my self that I always dreamed of. I feel more alive, healthy, empowered, beautiful, and free to enjoy my body and enjoy my life … and it just keeps getting better! Laure’s compassion, clarity, humor, and wisdom have been a gift in my life, and she has helped me to let go of fear and become the woman I’m here to be.”
Green Consultant, Los Angeles, CA
i heart palo santo:
Palo Santo is a mystical tree that grows on the coast of South America
and is related to Frankincense, Myrrh and Copal. In Spanish, the name
literally means “Holy Wood”.
Palo Santo is burned in ceremonies by Shamans and Medicine people for
its energetically cleansing and healing properties similar to Sage. It
has been popularized and cherished by many because of its heavenly
presence in Ayahuasca circles. It creates a pleasant, fresh smelling
smoke with hints of mint and citrus that work well in keeping away
mosquitoes and other flying insects. It provides an uplifting scent
that raises your vibration in preparation for meditation and allows for a
deeper connection to Source. It is also said that Palo Santo enhances
creativity and brings good fortune to those who are open to its Magic.
Palo Santo is traditionally used for relieving common colds, flu
symptoms, stress, asthma, headaches, anxiety, depression, inflammation,
emotional pain and more… The oil can also be used during massage work
to seal intentions while calling in Spirit Allies for support and
protection.
Palo Santo can also be simmered in hot water and drank as a tea.
Great for calming the immune and nervous systems for faster recovery of
illness. In essential oil form, it is great for physical pain and
inflammation containing high levels of D-Limonene and Monotropenes.
1/13/14
“Communication is the single most important part of creating a healthy relationship. A relationship without communication is like a beautiful flower without water and sunlight, it will quickly wither and die. I don’t care if you think what you have to say is hurtful or you are afraid of expressing yourself, speak your Truth. Be kind, but speak up and be honest. It’s easy to communicate when it’s good news and happy times, but it takes a truly authentic and courageous person to communicate openly and honestly when darkness falls on a relationship.”
~ Jackson Kiddard
1/10/14
Joe ~ Speech is such a huge part of our daily experience, and often its motive is to cause divisiveness or harm to others. So to practice right speech, we need to pay attention to our motives. That's not easy. There are very few of us - if any - who have perfectly pure motivation. So when we look at our motivation, it takes a lot of clarity and honesty, sometimes even courage. But if we are willing to be open and honest about the mix of motivations behind our speech and our actions, then we can choose the motives which are most wholesome and act from those, and let the others go.
Jack ~ Life inherently entails suffering. There is gain and loss, praise and blame, joy and sorrow, birth and death, sweet and sour, and light and dark, and our existence as human beings is interwoven with these opposites. We suffer if we get the idea that this isn't supposed to happen to us. Life entails difficulty and conflict at times, and that's not the problem. The real issue is how we respond. Adversity is an invitation to lean into what feels stuck, to bring the tools of mindfulness and compassion to the suffering that we have right now. In the light of mindful attention, they dissolve and we become free.
1/9/14
1/8/14
1/7/14
1/6/14
1/3/14
It's easy to recognize female "power" in the women we see in the public eye, but true power is something more subtle and sublime. Webster's Dictionary defines powerful as "having power, authority, influence." Confidence Coach Laure Redmond, author of Feel Good Naked, joined us to talk about real power. She says what the world needs MORE of are everyday women, not using their power to position themselves over others or be rich and famous, but who will use their power to create awesome lives for themselves.
- Endurance trumps instant gratification
- Rise and Shine earlier then others Success comes easier when you have a jump on the day ~ many times, early morning is the only quiet time in a busy home or the only opportunity to exercise or meditate.
- Spot your leaks and patch them right away Where in your life do you lose power? What people, activities, obligations, or thought processes drain you of your power? When you find them, "patch" them by making whatever changes are necessary.
- Stay ever-curious Curiosity gets people excited and leads to new ideas. The smartest thing you can ever do is constantly ask questions.
- Don't take tech too far, but do optimize your technology
- Exercise your authority Being able to tackle every topic, big or small, silly or serious stands out. When you stand up for your values and refuse to be a doormat (whether in life or love) and use your power to speak your mind, respect is given in return.
- Surround yourself with other powerful women Truth is, you won't always feel strong and in control. Troubles, fears, and real-life problems have a way of draining our power. Women who are connected to other women share their power. When one friend is low on power, another can "siphon" some of hers to share.
- Maintain grace in the face of defeat
1/2/14
who is george carlin:
SOMETHING TO PONDER: by George Carlin
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.
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